Tuesday, August 28, 2012

A Moment to Remember, a Time to Reflect

   As all of you know this last year has been a major struggle for me. More so in the last couple of months. Yes I have battled cancer (as of this moment I am winning), but the last few months of no chemo and less doctors appointments have been extremely hard. I seem to be getting more and more depressed and angry. I'm sure it's stress that is causing it, if not I may be on the verge of a breakdown. I'm not much of a crier(unless I have bottled my emotions to the breaking point). But since June I find myself crying alot. The more I cry the angrier I get at myself. I feel less of a person, a woman, and as a mother. I thought maybe if I could just write some of it down I wouldn't cry anymore.....so here goes.............
   Yesterday a friend that I have known for the last 14 years died. When I found out I was flooded with all kinds of emotions. *OK maybe this isn't going to work the tears are flowing again* Guilt because I haven't seen or spoken to her in a very long time. Loss because she is no longer with us. Sadness because of the hurt that her family is going to go through. Unspeakable hurt because I never got over the loss of my own father. Fear of almost losing my mother. Anguish because I know that  in a moments notice it could be my family that is devastated over my death. Heart wrenching dread that something could happen to one of my kids (something that I worry about all too often).
   When I decided to write about how I have been feeling I went back and read a blog post that my daughter Sapphire had written to me days before my surgery. I have been unable to stop crying since I read the following letter...

May 21, 2011.. 1:31AM- Dear Mom....

Dear Mom,
I know that I can be mean to you and cause a lot of drama in our house, but it's only because I feel unloved at times, and lashing out at anyone around me is the only way to deal. I know I don't tell you I love you every single day, but I'm going to change that. You're as invincible now as when I was little and I knew you would never die. Yes, you're sick. Yes, you're scared. It's because you have breast cancer, but I KNOW that you will make it through this. Cancer is nothing compared to you, and I know you will beat this.

I can be a terrible person, but there is no way in the world that God could take you from this earth. He knows how much you mean to everyone you meet. You're my entire world, and I don't even think you realize that sometimes, but that's my fault because I don't act like it. I wish I could win the lottery or instantly be through college and have a great job so I can give you everything you could ever want and need, but I just can't. I would give you the world if I could, I'd give you my kidney, my heart, even my breasts if I knew it would make you happy. I would die for you in an instant just so I would know you would never have to be in pain. Tatiana will always remember what you look like; Stallone and Libby know that you are their true mother; Austin will know how to treat a woman; and I will tell you I love you every single day so you can whisper "I love you more" back, because you are not going anywhere, ever. I won't let it happen.

From now on, I am going to do everything I can to make you happy. All that matters is your happiness. You're the absolute greatest mother that the five of us could ever ask for. I feel bad that other kids don't get to experience what we have, but I wouldn't share with them because you're ours, and no one else's. I'd never be able to give you up. I apologize for the way I act pretty much all the time towards you an everyone else at the house, I don't mean to be a total B&*#% but it's in my nature. It doesn't mean that I love you any less.It's just because I'm too much of a coward to say what I'm really feeling. You really are an amazing, strong, and courageous woman. No matter what anyone says says to contradict that. You should hear that every single day of your life, but you don't and that needs to change. I want to be at least half the woman you are when I am grown and have children of my own. I want my kids to love me, the way that I love you. I know you've had to sacrifice a lot in your life for all of us, and it probably wasn't anywhere near rewarding for you, but we all really do appreciate everything that you do for us. I know how much you love us, and what you would do for all of us, but now is the time that we are supposed to be there for you, and obviously we are lacking on that.
I love you more than life itself, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove it to you.
                                     THINGS WILL GET BETTER, I PROMISE
While I was trying to read this I broke down. I flashed back to how scared I really was about dying. What I was so afraid of.....When I leave this world will Tatiana be old enough to remember my face? Will Libby and Stallone remember that even though I didn't give birth to them that I was their true mother? Will Austin remember what I taught him about being a real man and how to treat women(treat them the way he would want me treated)? Will Sapphire think of me when I'm gone and still tell me that she loves me and hear me whisper back "I LOVE YOU MORE"? My heart breaks every time I think about it. I wrote Sapphire back that night after she posted the letter. Now I wish I would have said more..........
May 21, 2011 7:15 PM
I know I am loved. Sometimes it just feels better if I am shown. I am scared, but I know that God isn't ready for me yet. I still need you guys as much as you need me. So God will just have to wait awhile longer.

You are growing into a great women right before my eyes, but in my heart you are still my little girl...forgive me if I'm not ready to let go.

I don't need the lottery or expensive things. I just need love, respect, and caring. Don't forget the hugs and kisses(never too old)

You are destined for great things. I have always told you that. So school and the great career will come when the time is right not before then. No matter how much we try to rush.

I love you more and more with every breath I take. Love half as much as I do and you're going be a great mom too. Cause I love you for eternity.
I said some of those exact things the other day when she left for New Jersey. I didn't want her to go. But when she comes home I know it isn't going to be my home. Because as much as I want her to be, she is no longer my little girl. She doesn't have the need to hold my hand any longer even though I'm not ready to let go of hers.  I always thought that when she looked at me, she saw me through that 3 year olds eyes. That I would always be her favorite playmate, her bestfriend, her greatest hero. It's hard for me to watch her life from the sidelines when I was always the one holding her hand guiding her along. She was my first everything.... my firstborn, my first daughter, my first real joy, my first great love. That even though that's how I feel, she doesn't. She isn't suppose to. Someone else is going to be all of her firsts and I just have to hope that I will be apart of it somehow.(because I will always love her more)
Not being able to get through this, how will I ever get over my other four kids growing up and moving on? They are all still those little kids that I love so much. So is it destiny that my heart is going to break each and everytime? I'm very doubtful that I can handle it mentally. But I know for sure that emotionally I will die each and everytime. I can already feel it. When Libby talks about seeing the world, when Austin spends more and more time with his dad, when Stallone comes over less and less, when Tatiana no longer looks at me like I'm the greatest...that I could hang the moon. Sometimes when the kids think I'm ignoring them or that I'm not paying attention, that's what I'm doing....thinking about how much I love them so very much and that I just want A LITTLE MORE TIME!!!!
Nope writing about it didn't help at all!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

If you are wondering......

I made it through 6 months of chemotherapy. The first lasted 2 months and the second lasted 4 months. (didn't mean to imply that you couldn't count.....ha ha). I finished right at Christmas 2011...not what I ask Santa for that's for sure. I had my expanders taken out and itty bitty implants put in March of this year. Little disappointed about the size but so thankful to be alive. I had a couple more surgeries after that and a few more to go. I have yet to be able to go back to work but have been denied temporary disability. I reapplied a couple weeks ago. We have used up all the donation money in the last year so things are looking pretty bad right now. Our lights have been turned off once, the phones are off and the Internet will be the next to go. But at least we are healthy and happy and all together.(except for my oldest Sapphire...she got her own apartment...doing good so far) I took up crafting to try and make some extra money. I made a little for about a month until the store i was selling my hug/love boxes at said I couldn't do it anymore.

                     Here are the hug/love boxes

They come with a poem attached explaining what's inside the box. I have tried selling these and other things I have made on etsy.com/simplysarah2012 and on zibbet.com/simplysarah. No luck yet but I am not giving up. I have been watching videos online about crafting and even joined a crafting group (Creating the Crafty Life). I am hoping to make some friends and learn some things. Cancer has turned out to be a very lonely disease. I still hide my emotions very well. I cover them with laughter and jokes. I can honestly say if it weren't for my kids, sisters, boyfriend, mom, and my 2 chemo angels. I never would have made it through the last year. They all tell me they wouldn't be able to handle everything I have endured. So I must be one tough cookie. Oh let me tell you....my hair is finally growing back. It isn't long enough to lay down so it sticks out everywhere. I'm just thankful that it's growing. I still have a problem with how I look, but my kids think I'm beautiful that's all that counts. I have not been able to talk to my cousins in months(you know who you are) so if ya'll read this......I love all of you very much and I hope to talk to you soon.

So anyway...to any new followers....thank you for following. Leave comments or even email me at simplysarah@centurylink.net. I'll be able to respond for a little while longer...lol.