Wednesday, May 18, 2011

This isn't make believe!!!

The post I made earlier was about a mental breakdown I had a few days ago. So now an update on what has been going on in my life.

I missed my oldest daughters graduation last Friday because I was on a kindergarten beach trip with my 6 year old. I'm upset that I wasn't there to see her walk across the stage to get her diploma. I have waited for this day forever(since her first day of school) I have wanted to be the crying proud mother in the crowd. Bet you are wondering why I chose a crappy beach trip instead. My 6 year old has never seen the ocean. I wanted to be the person her saw her face when she first walked on the beach. As you already know I have cancer, and I was afraid that if I didn't go with her now I might die without being able to see the amazement in her eyes and the laughter in her voice. Pretty selfish of me huh? I feel terrible and I'm afraid that I hurt Sapphire(the oldest) by not being there. I hope she knows why I wasn't and that she understands. I'm afraid that I made her day less special. I held Sapphire's hand the first time she walked on the beach and I wanted to do the same with Tatiana. When she has kids I hope she truely understands how important it was.

I feel that I have made alot of mistakes as a mother. There are alot of things I wish I could go back and change. I hope that all my kids know that everything I have done or sacraficed was for them. That I love them to the end of the earth and back.

As I get closer to my surgery date the more I think about death. These are the things that I think about...When I leave this world will Tatiana be old enough to remember my face? Will Libby and Stallone remember that even though I didn't give birth to them that I was their true mother? Will Austin remember what I taught him about being a real man and how to treat women(treat them the way he would want me treated)? Will Sapphire think of me when I'm gone and still tell me that she loves me and hear me whisper back "I LOVE YOU MORE"

Ok I made myself cry something I hate to this is the end for tonight.

My mental explosion

 I'm a very shy and quiet person. I don't have a single friend(real friend) other than my kids and my boyfriend(which I despise at this moment). Yeah I have people that come to my store(not really MY store but yanno what I mean) that truely care about me. But if I don't see them at the store I never really talk to them. I do have an email friend. I would have never met her if it wasn't for Breast Cancer. She is a sweet, strong woman....a survivor. She has helped me a great deal through this terrible journey. I had a mental melt down the other day. I was so upset and angry I thought I would explode. So Dear Blogger(lol) older sister(I have 2 older and 1 younger)has voulenteered herself to stay over night with me after surgery. She did this when I had my second child and she was absolutely wonderful. But all I can think is I don't want her to be in the room when they open my gown. What if I'm not really awake when they come in and I can't ask her to leave the room?(She loves me and wants to help, but I am very uncomfortable about this) I just don't want anyone to see me before I see myself. Plus I think others should see me when I'm ready? Am I wrong for wanting to be alone? Just so no one sees? I may never be ready to look at myself. My boyfriend( who loves me dearly) says some of the dumbest stuff and I just don't know how to respond without blowing up. EXAMPLES....You should just get over it...either you have surgery or die....If it was me I wouldn't care if I lost my breast.....You can't handle it emotionally. (even though I have only cried 3 times so far....when I told my kids....when I told my mom and my sisters....and when I wondered if my 6 year old would remember what I looked like if I passed away)...You didn't like the size of your breast anyway. I was so angry....that I showed him pics of a mastecomy and ask him would he be emoitionally ok seeing that in the mirror everyday? My middle daughter(17) I didn't give birth to her....but she has been mine since the age of upset and said IF IT'S BAD I DON'T WANT TO SEE....but her dad just kept going and going...he hates
to be wrong. I tried to tell him it was the same as losing his (well you know)....and he said that it wasn't like he needed his balls.(not what I'm talking about)..said I didn't need my breast. That it was more like losing his testicles. I told him that when he was in clothes or a bathing suits no one would notice if he had nuts. But I was pretty sure when they saw me in Tshirts and bathing suits it would be noticable. Finally I had gotten so pissed I wanted to hurt him(side effect of my new depression medication) I shut my self off like always. I know when the conversation started he was just trying to make me feel ok about having to have a Bilateral Mastectomy(both breast removed). That he loved me for me not how I look. That it doen't matter to him as long as I live. But I was already having a bad day and I try to force myself not to think about what is going to happen to me. That day I just wasn't able to delude myself into thinking I'M NOT SICK.