Saturday, March 19, 2011

Pissed at the world!!!!

I don't know what's going through my mind. Nothing, everything, something....I just know I'm getting pissed. Yesterday I was actually able to work the whole day. Amazing huh? Not a single doctors appointment. But by 10:00 am I was so tired I would have rather quite my job than stand any longer. Part of my chest is black and painful I can't sleep. Then the pain just makes me worry even more. Will I be able to work and support my family? Am I going to lose body parts? that help make you feel like a woman? Am I going to die????? I'm going to go completely insane!!!! I go to work then I sit in my bedroom till everyone goes to sleep. 2 kids are on video games....1 kid is at her boyfriends(cause it's easier) another is either gone or online.....what's left???.....the sister that complains when she has to work for me, but always tells me it's going to be ok.  The 6 year old that doesn't even understand that I'm sick. That thinks I have a germ that is just going to go away?  The non existent friends that I have?(One I see at work that really cares....the couple that I have online or the ones I haven't seen in years!!!!)Yes I have my fiance' here...but I want the people that have always been in my life!!! Why is it so hard for them? This could be the last conversation we have....the last movie we watch.....the last conversation we have about boys or the girls that they are hating on that are making their lives miserable. Then I get to thinking about what did I do to deserve this. I can't think of not 1 good reason why....why me? Sometimes I just feel so alone....but sometimes I bring it on myself. The kids are still too young(all of them) to deal with this kind of pressure...they shouldn't have to think about life or death just what... will I wear tomorrow. There are a few people that are completely here for me(that handle it in their own way...the best way not to upset me) That's my mom, Matt and Matt's mother. Yea Matt's mother....we have had our disagreements...but i truely know that no matter what she would be there for me....she finally loves me. Now I don't even know what I was so pissed about .....I just know what I was so hurt about.....afraid no one one loved me enough to even spend a little of their time with me!!!!

OK until I have another breakdown...night love you!!!!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

One Week Later!!!

Exactly a week ago I learned my fate. Yes my dear you have Breast Cancer. What does that mean? Well i don't fucking freaking know. All i know is it's days filled with anger, tears, pain and needles. I have never seen so many doctors in all my life. Who would have known a trip to the tanning salon would turn out so damn darn scary and life changing? I have only known for 7 days that I have (what I tell my little girl) a GERM. I would never have guessed that women have to endur so much so soon. I have heard about lumps..scars...radiation...and chemotherapy...but I never really knew what any of that was. I definitely didn't know my first 2 weeks would be like this......
  Feb.17--found a lump
  Feb.22--Had the lump examined
  Feb.24--Blood Work
  Mar.3--Surgical Consult...Results are in .....
               BREAST CANCER
  Mar.4--Break the news to my children
  Mar.7--Break the news to the rest of my family
               MRI (has it spread?)
  Mar.8--Therapist Referal
  Mar.9--MRI results in (cancer on the other side)
  Mar.10--3 long hours to see if I need counseling
               (can I handle the depression???)

            OK my one final word PRAY