Ding Ding! End of round 1...but the FIGHT isn't over!!!

As you can tell from my corny title I had my first round of Chemotherapy today. Even though I went alone and was nervous as hell. I showed no fear. Want a recap of my shitty crappy day? .....well?....Didn't think so, but I'm going to make you suffer through it anyway...ha ha, lol, lmao and all that crap.

Tuesday July 5, 2011
6:00am to 8:00am ...Finally got a little sleep. I haven't been able to sleep since last week.(probably stress)
8:30am to 9:30am ...Drive to Baptist (hey I'm not gonna speed and risk dying in a car before I beat this)
9:45am to 10:30am..Check In, Give blood( Gotta make sure those cell counts are at the top of their game)
10:30am to 11:00am.Talk with Oncologist about the risks....(the big one being congestive heart failure)
11:30am to 2:00pm...Had 5 different drugs pumped through a hole in my chest. 2 was for nausea. 2 were the chemo drugs. No idea what the other one was for I completely forgot. Maybe something for allergic reactions.
2:00pm to 2:30pm scheduled my next appointment(FREAKING TOMORROW!!!) Also the appointment for the next round of chemo.
2:30pm to 4:00pm Talked to Cancer Services about possible wigs and hats. (More humiliation...Cancer IS SUCH A BITCH)
4:00pm to 5:00pm...Ride back home alone...I felt ok this morning so I drove myself. Before you start freaking about me being alone. I was fine and I did ok driving.

Ok see you made it through the hard part. I felt ok driving home. I didn't have any reactions until I was home for about an hour. I was finding it hard to breathe. Felt like someone had caved in my chest. So I was very short of breath. The nurses had already told me to expect this. But it was still kinda scary. It came and went for hours. I became real hot and sweaty...but was pale at the same time. I was lucky enough to actually fight off the nausea. Even though I wasn't able to fight off the bone pain or migraine headaches. It is almost 5:00am and I'm still awake. I'm very tired, but my head hurts so bad. I cried alot earlier because I hurt so bad and nothing really helped. I cried quite a bit today. Since chemo finally started , I'm becoming afraid of what my body is going to have to endure. I'm afraid I won't be so lucky with the side effects after a few days. I already feel less of a woman because of all the surgeries. Now I have to figure out how to hide the tears with jokes and laughter. I'm not sure this is going to happen. But then again I have been pretty damn strong so far. I pray that this continues on the same successful path. That God gives me the strength to survive.

Ok I really have to try and sleep for awhile. NIGHT NIGHT

Just in time for the 4th of July!!!

Today I will not be talking about Cancer or complaining about my family. I want to share with you something that brought tears to my eyes and a smile on my face.

                                 
(A homecoming months in the making)

This is my cousin Tiffany...(well technically my cousin's daughter). I have not seen her in years. Been a very long time since we played together at Granny's. I have been reunited with alot of my cousins on facebook, thankfully. Anyway back to Tiffany..She is a military wife. A loving mother of 3 gorgeous children. One of the bravest women I have known. She spends day after day...month after month raising her children alone. Because her husband chose not only to protect his family, but to protect every family in this country. For that I am very grateful. I hate that Tiffany and her children have to spend so much time away from the soldier that has put his life on the line for all of us. I think about alot of things since I have gotten sick. I wonder how scared she must be at times. How many times she has cried. How much she has had to endure on her own. ALL THIS FOR OUR FREEDOM!!! I'm sure alot of people forget about the part of the family that is left at home. To hope and pray that their loved ones make it home. So when I saw the picture posted above. I pictured Tiffany running into the arms of the bravest man she knows. I would have posted other pictures but she hasn't been able to post any yet. Plus I never ask permission to use this one. It just touched me so much I was sure she would understand. .....So in closing...Tiffy I love you...and tell your husband whom I have never met...THANK YOU!!!!

My Doctor Free Week

I have had 2 surgeries since that time I wrote. On the 14th I had a Port-a-Cath put into the right side of my chest. Then on the 15th I had emergency surgery on the left side of my chest. (To try and repair the dying skin and tissue). So last week was pretty rough. I was back to not being able to use my arms at all. So I was once again dependent on someone. But I opted to do it on my own (have had complaints from certain people about having to do too much already). In deciding to do it on my own I busted part of my chest open. So after a week I am still bleeding and very uncomfortable. On to better news.

Libby  

                        

Libby went to visit her real mother Thursday and came back on Sunday. She has this cute new hair cut and some added color. It's very becoming on her. I have never seen her with very short hair in the past 11 years that she has been with me. She seemed to have a good time with her mom. As far as I know her mom behaved and took care of her. I missed her while she was gone, but she needed a break from caring for me  and being stuck at home.

Sapphire

                             

 

Sapphire (my oldest daughter) came over Thursday after work and hung out with me until late. The next day she took me and her little sister Tatiana too the pool. We also took my nieces Allie and Emilea with us. The kids seemed to have a good time. It wasn't all that much fun for me. I can't get in the water because of my stitches. Plus there is no way I was putting on a swim suit. I'd horrify everyone. Sapphire came back Monday night because she was off work Tuesday and Wednesday. So all of went swimming again. This time Austin, James and Libby came with us. Everyone had a really good time. (at least that's what they told me...haha).

Austin, Sapphire, Libby

I got extremely pissed last night. Like I told you Sapphire and James (her boyfriend of 4 years) has been here since they got off work Monday night. Red sends me a text from the bedroom saying...That he was tired from doing everything. That all I had to do was sit in the living room and ass kiss. What the fuck hell? I am not ass kissing I am spending time with my kids. I guess he thinks that since she isn't here everyday she shouldn't be here at all. GOT NEWS FOR YA BUDDY IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!!! I never say anything when his son comes over here. I could act the same way he does but I don't. They are ALL my kids and they are always welcome at my house. I know Sapphire feels unwelcome when she comes over.  They all refuse to come in the living room the whole time she's here. So they have all avoided the living room since Monday night. (Libby has too. But she did go swimming with us yesterday. So I'm not sure why she avoids her when other times she does everything with her.) It hurts my feelings, so I could only imagine how she feels. She isn't blind she can see what they are doing. That's why she didn't come home from James' for so long before. Everyone made her feel unwanted. Everyone looked at her like she was stupid and refused to talk to her. (She has offered plenty of times to come home if I needed her. I figured she should have come because she loved me not because I ask her. But that was because I was hurting and upset. I felt unloved at the time. But I know she would do anything for me at anytime no matter what it was.) Red seems to forget part of the reason we split up for a year. It was how he treated the kids. He didn't treat them with equal respect. I treat all the kids the same. Actually I treat his kids better because I have never disciplined them. I have never even yelled at them. Unlike him. Here is an example of what I mean. When he is home he always stays in the bedroom. His kids can be in there for hours, but as soon as my kids come in there he starts complaining that they don't need to be in there. So it's only my kids that have to leave. I just think it's unfair that is my room too. But then he doesn't understand why I stay in the living room (where normal people hang out during the day). Guess that's enough ranting for one day.

Ok health wise this is where I'm at. I go back on the 28th of June to have the left side rechecked to make sure it's healing properly this time. Then July 5th I start my first round of Chemotherapy. The first 4 rounds with be a combination of 2 drugs Adriamycin and Cyclophosphamide. Was told that these are some very powerful drugs with some serious side effects. Here are some of the side effects: Lowered resistance to infection, Bruising or bleeding, Anaemia (low number of red blood cells), Tiredness, Feeling sick (nausea) and being sick (vomiting),  Hair loss, Sore mouth and ulcers, Taste changes,  Skin changes and last but not least Infertility. Boy I sure do have alot to look forward too huh? And just to think this is only the beginning. Hope I make it through ok. 

What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger!!!

I'm not sure I believe in that quote. Hoping that it's true though. Seeing as I'm blogging once again I DID NOT DIE during surgery.(Bilateral Mastectomy on May 25th if I forgot to tell you) Even though some days the pain is so great I feel like I'm dying. Ok back to May 25th....yes I had surgery. 7 hours later I woke up to my family. I was thankful to see them, because right before they put me under I was thinking "I hope that wasn't the last time I say I LOVE YOU". One of my daughters stood away from me, I know that it was hard for her to see me cry because I was in so much pain. I was trying to use my arms to sit up and it just wasn't working. I had no strength and the pain was unbearable. (I thought giving birth was bad....this had to be the worst). After everyone left I cried. I'm too young to have cancer. I'm too young to loose body parts. I think I earned the right for a little self pity. Anyway on to the next hardest part of my cancer journey. Nurses come in every 2 hours to check my (well what use to be my boobs) They all said the same thing, "You don't have to look if you don't want to". All I could do was turn my head and say "I don't want to see" and try not to cry. I have seen pictures online and it wasn't a pretty sight. So no I wasn't ready to look. I want to look the way I once did.

May 26th....Day after my surgery. Still in a great deal of pain, but the nurses were great. I had one terrible incident today. These 3 young residents came in to check on me. Mind you none of these kids are my doctors and know nothing about me. Anyway they came in and said that I should be feeling fine and that I could go home. WTF???? I just had body parts removed I don't feel fine I feel like someone tried to murder me. How the hell would they know how I feel they don't even have boobs to cut off. As soon as they left 2 of my nurses came back in a told me not to listen to them that I was NOT ready to go home. (So I stayed another night)

 I left on Friday even though I could barely walk, I couldn't lift my arms, and I had all these tubes hanging out of me. When I came home it was awful. I had to have help going to the bathroom. I had a problems getting my clothes up and down. I was humiliated, I was afraid to look at myself. Sapphire my oldest daughter(the one that told me she was going to treat me better and show me more love) was never around. She started college and got a new job. But all the times she was away hiking or at the movies she could have come and checked on me. She could have called to ask if I was ok.( She would text and ask how I felt and tell me she would come home if I wanted her to) I always told her no I was ok when I really wasn't. I'm not ok now, but I don't want to ask her to come help me. I feel that she should have just come home because she loved me. Austin hardly came near me. I think it was because he was scared. My boyfriend was a great help. He did everything I needed without me having to ask. One morning I woke up and thought, "How will I know if my incisions are getting better if I don't know what they look like. So I shuffled my way into the bathroom and locked the door. I removed the bandages and burst in tears. I cried more in that moment than I had since I chose to have surgery. I was mortified, it looked a lot worse than any of the photos I have seen. For the first time I wondered am I going to make it through this? I haven't even gotten to the hard parts yet. I wiped away my tears took a deep breath and ask my boyfriend if he could help me put the bandages on. It was now or never. I had to see if he could handle what he saw. All he said was, "It's not that bad. The doctors did a great job." I know he was lying but he made me feel better.

The person that helped me the most is Adrianna, my 17 year old daughter. What ever I needed she did her best to help me. She made sure I took all my meds on time. She opened all the bottles and gave me the pills since I still couldn't use my arms and had no strength. She helped me wash my hair since I wasn't allowed to bathe. She stayed up late with me watching crappy movies and tv shows just to keep me company. She kept me from falling into a great depression. That alot of women go through. She has made my recovery alot easier. I really don't think I would have made it through without her. I still make cancer and boob jokes. I'd rather laugh than cry.

 I have had numerous doctors appointments since I have came home. Adrianna(Libby) has went with me to every appointment since. When I first found out I had cancer I found it easier to go alone, but now I don't mind so much.

What happens next you ask. Monday the 13th I have to have CT Scans of my head, chest, and abdomen. Then, I have to have a bone scan that takes 4 hours...then on to see my Oncologist. So I will be at Baptist from 7:30am to around 5:00pm.(very long day). Tuesday the 14th I go back to the plastic surgeon to see if my skin is getting any better(one side was dying). Hoping it does or they have to go in and redo everything they have done. Then there would be no hope for reconstruction. After that appointment I have surgery at 2:45pm to put in a port-a-cath in my chest(for my upcoming chemotherapy treatments). Think I'm getting ready for the hard part now. Wish me luck!!!

This isn't make believe!!!

The post I made earlier was about a mental breakdown I had a few days ago. So now an update on what has been going on in my life.

I missed my oldest daughters graduation last Friday because I was on a kindergarten beach trip with my 6 year old. I'm upset that I wasn't there to see her walk across the stage to get her diploma. I have waited for this day forever(since her first day of school) I have wanted to be the crying proud mother in the crowd. Bet you are wondering why I chose a crappy beach trip instead. My 6 year old has never seen the ocean. I wanted to be the person her saw her face when she first walked on the beach. As you already know I have cancer, and I was afraid that if I didn't go with her now I might die without being able to see the amazement in her eyes and the laughter in her voice. Pretty selfish of me huh? I feel terrible and I'm afraid that I hurt Sapphire(the oldest) by not being there. I hope she knows why I wasn't and that she understands. I'm afraid that I made her day less special. I held Sapphire's hand the first time she walked on the beach and I wanted to do the same with Tatiana. When she has kids I hope she truely understands how important it was.

I feel that I have made alot of mistakes as a mother. There are alot of things I wish I could go back and change. I hope that all my kids know that everything I have done or sacraficed was for them. That I love them to the end of the earth and back.

As I get closer to my surgery date the more I think about death. These are the things that I think about...When I leave this world will Tatiana be old enough to remember my face? Will Libby and Stallone remember that even though I didn't give birth to them that I was their true mother? Will Austin remember what I taught him about being a real man and how to treat women(treat them the way he would want me treated)? Will Sapphire think of me when I'm gone and still tell me that she loves me and hear me whisper back "I LOVE YOU MORE"

Ok I made myself cry something I hate to do....so this is the end for tonight.

My mental explosion

 I'm a very shy and quiet person. I don't have a single friend(real friend) other than my kids and my boyfriend(which I despise at this moment). Yeah I have people that come to my store(not really MY store but yanno what I mean) that truely care about me. But if I don't see them at the store I never really talk to them. I do have an email friend. I would have never met her if it wasn't for Breast Cancer. She is a sweet, strong woman....a survivor. She has helped me a great deal through this terrible journey. I had a mental melt down the other day. I was so upset and angry I thought I would explode. So Dear Blogger(lol)...my older sister(I have 2 older and 1 younger)has voulenteered herself to stay over night with me after surgery. She did this when I had my second child and she was absolutely wonderful. But all I can think is I don't want her to be in the room when they open my gown. What if I'm not really awake when they come in and I can't ask her to leave the room?(She loves me and wants to help, but I am very uncomfortable about this) I just don't want anyone to see me before I see myself. Plus I think others should see me when I'm ready? Am I wrong for wanting to be alone? Just so no one sees? I may never be ready to look at myself. My boyfriend( who loves me dearly) says some of the dumbest stuff and I just don't know how to respond without blowing up. EXAMPLES....You should just get over it...either you have surgery or die....If it was me I wouldn't care if I lost my breast.....You can't handle it emotionally. (even though I have only cried 3 times so far....when I told my kids....when I told my mom and my sisters....and when I wondered if my 6 year old would remember what I looked like if I passed away)...You didn't like the size of your breast anyway. I was so angry....that I showed him pics of a mastecomy and ask him would he be emoitionally ok seeing that in the mirror everyday? My middle daughter(17) I didn't give birth to her....but she has been mine since the age of 5....got upset and said IF IT'S BAD I DON'T WANT TO SEE....but her dad just kept going and going...he hates
to be wrong. I tried to tell him it was the same as losing his (well you know)....and he said that it wasn't like he needed his balls.(not what I'm talking about)..said I didn't need my breast. That it was more like losing his testicles. I told him that when he was in clothes or a bathing suits no one would notice if he had nuts. But I was pretty sure when they saw me in Tshirts and bathing suits it would be noticable. Finally I had gotten so pissed I wanted to hurt him(side effect of my new depression medication) I shut my self off like always. I know when the conversation started he was just trying to make me feel ok about having to have a Bilateral Mastectomy(both breast removed). That he loved me for me not how I look. That it doen't matter to him as long as I live. But I was already having a bad day and I try to force myself not to think about what is going to happen to me. That day I just wasn't able to delude myself into thinking I'M NOT SICK.

Pissed at the world!!!!

I don't know what's going through my mind. Nothing, everything, something....I just know I'm getting pissed. Yesterday I was actually able to work the whole day. Amazing huh? Not a single doctors appointment. But by 10:00 am I was so tired I would have rather quite my job than stand any longer. Part of my chest is black and purple....so painful I can't sleep. Then the pain just makes me worry even more. Will I be able to work and support my family? Am I going to lose body parts? ....parts that help make you feel like a woman? Am I going to die????? I'm going to go completely insane!!!! I go to work then I sit in my bedroom till everyone goes to sleep. 2 kids are on video games....1 kid is at her boyfriends(cause it's easier) another is either gone or online.....what's left???.....the sister that complains when she has to work for me, but always tells me it's going to be ok.  The 6 year old that doesn't even understand that I'm sick. That thinks I have a germ that is just going to go away?  The non existent friends that I have?(One I see at work that really cares....the couple that I have online or the ones I haven't seen in years!!!!)Yes I have my fiance' here...but I want the people that have always been in my life!!! Why is it so hard for them? This could be the last conversation we have....the last movie we watch.....the last conversation we have about boys or the girls that they are hating on that are making their lives miserable. Then I get to thinking about what did I do to deserve this. I can't think of not 1 good reason why....why me? Sometimes I just feel so alone....but sometimes I bring it on myself. The kids are still too young(all of them) to deal with this kind of pressure...they shouldn't have to think about life or death just what... will I wear tomorrow. There are a few people that are completely here for me(that handle it in their own way...the best way not to upset me) That's my mom, Matt and Matt's mother. Yea Matt's mother....we have had our disagreements...but i truely know that no matter what she would be there for me....she finally loves me. Now I don't even know what I was so pissed about .....I just know what I was so hurt about.....afraid no one one loved me enough to even spend a little of their time with me!!!!

OK until I have another breakdown...night love you!!!!

One Week Later!!!

Exactly a week ago I learned my fate. Yes my dear you have Breast Cancer. What does that mean? Well i don't fucking freaking know. All i know is it's days filled with anger, tears, pain and needles. I have never seen so many doctors in all my life. Who would have known a trip to the tanning salon would turn out so damn darn scary and life changing? I have only known for 7 days that I have (what I tell my little girl) a GERM. I would never have guessed that women have to endur so much so soon. I have heard about lumps..scars...radiation...and chemotherapy...but I never really knew what any of that was. I definitely didn't know my first 2 weeks would be like this......
  Feb.17--found a lump
  Feb.22--Had the lump examined
  Feb.23--Physical/Pap
  Feb.24--Blood Work
  Mar.2--Mammogram..Ultrasound..Biopsy               
  Mar.3--Surgical Consult...Results are in .....
               BREAST CANCER
  Mar.4--Break the news to my children
  Mar.7--Break the news to the rest of my family
               MRI (has it spread?)
  Mar.8--Therapist Referal
               Surgeon
  Mar.9--MRI results in (cancer on the other side)
  Mar.10--3 long hours to see if I need counseling
               (can I handle the depression???)

            OK my one final word PRAY