Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My mental explosion

 I'm a very shy and quiet person. I don't have a single friend(real friend) other than my kids and my boyfriend(which I despise at this moment). Yeah I have people that come to my store(not really MY store but yanno what I mean) that truely care about me. But if I don't see them at the store I never really talk to them. I do have an email friend. I would have never met her if it wasn't for Breast Cancer. She is a sweet, strong woman....a survivor. She has helped me a great deal through this terrible journey. I had a mental melt down the other day. I was so upset and angry I thought I would explode. So Dear Blogger(lol) older sister(I have 2 older and 1 younger)has voulenteered herself to stay over night with me after surgery. She did this when I had my second child and she was absolutely wonderful. But all I can think is I don't want her to be in the room when they open my gown. What if I'm not really awake when they come in and I can't ask her to leave the room?(She loves me and wants to help, but I am very uncomfortable about this) I just don't want anyone to see me before I see myself. Plus I think others should see me when I'm ready? Am I wrong for wanting to be alone? Just so no one sees? I may never be ready to look at myself. My boyfriend( who loves me dearly) says some of the dumbest stuff and I just don't know how to respond without blowing up. EXAMPLES....You should just get over it...either you have surgery or die....If it was me I wouldn't care if I lost my breast.....You can't handle it emotionally. (even though I have only cried 3 times so far....when I told my kids....when I told my mom and my sisters....and when I wondered if my 6 year old would remember what I looked like if I passed away)...You didn't like the size of your breast anyway. I was so angry....that I showed him pics of a mastecomy and ask him would he be emoitionally ok seeing that in the mirror everyday? My middle daughter(17) I didn't give birth to her....but she has been mine since the age of upset and said IF IT'S BAD I DON'T WANT TO SEE....but her dad just kept going and going...he hates
to be wrong. I tried to tell him it was the same as losing his (well you know)....and he said that it wasn't like he needed his balls.(not what I'm talking about)..said I didn't need my breast. That it was more like losing his testicles. I told him that when he was in clothes or a bathing suits no one would notice if he had nuts. But I was pretty sure when they saw me in Tshirts and bathing suits it would be noticable. Finally I had gotten so pissed I wanted to hurt him(side effect of my new depression medication) I shut my self off like always. I know when the conversation started he was just trying to make me feel ok about having to have a Bilateral Mastectomy(both breast removed). That he loved me for me not how I look. That it doen't matter to him as long as I live. But I was already having a bad day and I try to force myself not to think about what is going to happen to me. That day I just wasn't able to delude myself into thinking I'M NOT SICK.

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