Wednesday, May 18, 2011

This isn't make believe!!!

The post I made earlier was about a mental breakdown I had a few days ago. So now an update on what has been going on in my life.

I missed my oldest daughters graduation last Friday because I was on a kindergarten beach trip with my 6 year old. I'm upset that I wasn't there to see her walk across the stage to get her diploma. I have waited for this day forever(since her first day of school) I have wanted to be the crying proud mother in the crowd. Bet you are wondering why I chose a crappy beach trip instead. My 6 year old has never seen the ocean. I wanted to be the person her saw her face when she first walked on the beach. As you already know I have cancer, and I was afraid that if I didn't go with her now I might die without being able to see the amazement in her eyes and the laughter in her voice. Pretty selfish of me huh? I feel terrible and I'm afraid that I hurt Sapphire(the oldest) by not being there. I hope she knows why I wasn't and that she understands. I'm afraid that I made her day less special. I held Sapphire's hand the first time she walked on the beach and I wanted to do the same with Tatiana. When she has kids I hope she truely understands how important it was.

I feel that I have made alot of mistakes as a mother. There are alot of things I wish I could go back and change. I hope that all my kids know that everything I have done or sacraficed was for them. That I love them to the end of the earth and back.

As I get closer to my surgery date the more I think about death. These are the things that I think about...When I leave this world will Tatiana be old enough to remember my face? Will Libby and Stallone remember that even though I didn't give birth to them that I was their true mother? Will Austin remember what I taught him about being a real man and how to treat women(treat them the way he would want me treated)? Will Sapphire think of me when I'm gone and still tell me that she loves me and hear me whisper back "I LOVE YOU MORE"

Ok I made myself cry something I hate to this is the end for tonight.

1 comment:

  1. I know that I seem calm and collected about this whole thing, but I'm not. I was upset about you missing my graduation, but I understand why. You have to be there for all of your kids, not just me. I love you more than aything in this whole world, and I feel like I don't show you enough.