Sunday, June 12, 2011

What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger!!!

I'm not sure I believe in that quote. Hoping that it's true though. Seeing as I'm blogging once again I DID NOT DIE during surgery.(Bilateral Mastectomy on May 25th if I forgot to tell you) Even though some days the pain is so great I feel like I'm dying. Ok back to May 25th....yes I had surgery. 7 hours later I woke up to my family. I was thankful to see them, because right before they put me under I was thinking "I hope that wasn't the last time I say I LOVE YOU". One of my daughters stood away from me, I know that it was hard for her to see me cry because I was in so much pain. I was trying to use my arms to sit up and it just wasn't working. I had no strength and the pain was unbearable. (I thought giving birth was bad....this had to be the worst). After everyone left I cried. I'm too young to have cancer. I'm too young to loose body parts. I think I earned the right for a little self pity. Anyway on to the next hardest part of my cancer journey. Nurses come in every 2 hours to check my (well what use to be my boobs) They all said the same thing, "You don't have to look if you don't want to". All I could do was turn my head and say "I don't want to see" and try not to cry. I have seen pictures online and it wasn't a pretty sight. So no I wasn't ready to look. I want to look the way I once did.

May 26th....Day after my surgery. Still in a great deal of pain, but the nurses were great. I had one terrible incident today. These 3 young residents came in to check on me. Mind you none of these kids are my doctors and know nothing about me. Anyway they came in and said that I should be feeling fine and that I could go home. WTF???? I just had body parts removed I don't feel fine I feel like someone tried to murder me. How the hell would they know how I feel they don't even have boobs to cut off. As soon as they left 2 of my nurses came back in a told me not to listen to them that I was NOT ready to go home. (So I stayed another night)

 I left on Friday even though I could barely walk, I couldn't lift my arms, and I had all these tubes hanging out of me. When I came home it was awful. I had to have help going to the bathroom. I had a problems getting my clothes up and down. I was humiliated, I was afraid to look at myself. Sapphire my oldest daughter(the one that told me she was going to treat me better and show me more love) was never around. She started college and got a new job. But all the times she was away hiking or at the movies she could have come and checked on me. She could have called to ask if I was ok.( She would text and ask how I felt and tell me she would come home if I wanted her to) I always told her no I was ok when I really wasn't. I'm not ok now, but I don't want to ask her to come help me. I feel that she should have just come home because she loved me. Austin hardly came near me. I think it was because he was scared. My boyfriend was a great help. He did everything I needed without me having to ask. One morning I woke up and thought, "How will I know if my incisions are getting better if I don't know what they look like. So I shuffled my way into the bathroom and locked the door. I removed the bandages and burst in tears. I cried more in that moment than I had since I chose to have surgery. I was mortified, it looked a lot worse than any of the photos I have seen. For the first time I wondered am I going to make it through this? I haven't even gotten to the hard parts yet. I wiped away my tears took a deep breath and ask my boyfriend if he could help me put the bandages on. It was now or never. I had to see if he could handle what he saw. All he said was, "It's not that bad. The doctors did a great job." I know he was lying but he made me feel better.

The person that helped me the most is Adrianna, my 17 year old daughter. What ever I needed she did her best to help me. She made sure I took all my meds on time. She opened all the bottles and gave me the pills since I still couldn't use my arms and had no strength. She helped me wash my hair since I wasn't allowed to bathe. She stayed up late with me watching crappy movies and tv shows just to keep me company. She kept me from falling into a great depression. That alot of women go through. She has made my recovery alot easier. I really don't think I would have made it through without her. I still make cancer and boob jokes. I'd rather laugh than cry.

 I have had numerous doctors appointments since I have came home. Adrianna(Libby) has went with me to every appointment since. When I first found out I had cancer I found it easier to go alone, but now I don't mind so much.

What happens next you ask. Monday the 13th I have to have CT Scans of my head, chest, and abdomen. Then, I have to have a bone scan that takes 4 hours...then on to see my Oncologist. So I will be at Baptist from 7:30am to around 5:00pm.(very long day). Tuesday the 14th I go back to the plastic surgeon to see if my skin is getting any better(one side was dying). Hoping it does or they have to go in and redo everything they have done. Then there would be no hope for reconstruction. After that appointment I have surgery at 2:45pm to put in a port-a-cath in my chest(for my upcoming chemotherapy treatments). Think I'm getting ready for the hard part now. Wish me luck!!!

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